By Lorilei Alexander
April 30, 2014
Yes
you have reached adulthood. You are a
mature, reasonable, responsible individual with a good head on your shoulders. You have a place of your own, you work and
you pay the bills. You may have a family
of your own and consider yourself a good spouse and parent. So why, oh why, is it that visiting relatives
can leave you feeling like you are that misunderstood teenager living under your
parents’ roof again? Of course there are
many of you that get along splendidly with your parents and siblings and that
is a wonderful blessing. Unfortunately,
others are not so blessed. When it comes
time to get together with relatives, some of us suffer through uncomfortable
small talk or even cold silence with a family member and some have terse
exchanges that make for a bittersweet family gathering. And some go back and forth between the two. We cannot delve into all possible reasons why
family relationships can be stressful.
Every family has a unique history and dynamic that would require years
of psychotherapy in order to understand the ‘Why?’. The real question that this article will
attempt to address is the ‘How?’- How might my family get along better? How might we develop a stronger family bond?
Communication
is one of those words that have been used quite liberally as the key to
successful relationships. But good
communication is not simply just talking to another person. It is putting thought into what you want to say
to the other person. It is talking to
the other person with compassion with the end result of developing a stronger
bond with that person. Venting your frustrations, sarcasm, and making snide
remarks does not qualify as good communication.
The other person may clam up or retort back, but either way, he or she
will not feel comfortable opening up to you and that is often how trust is lost.
According
to an ancient Indian text, speech should have the following four
qualities. Take a moment to seek the
wisdom in each of these qualities and see how similar or how different they are
to your own communication style with your family.
1. It should
be beneficial to the listener (hiit)
When
you offer advice to a family member, decide if the counsel you are about to
offer will really make the other person’s life better. For example, nagging them about an
extravagant shopping spree might be trivial compared to talking to someone
about a serious gambling addiction. In
addition, the listener needs to believe that you are really looking out for his
or her best interest.
2. It should
be brief and to the point (miit)
This
point does not mean that you should be curt or that your conversation should last
less than sixty seconds. It serves as a
reminder that you should pause frequently in order to really listen to the
other person and not unconsciously monopolize the conversation.
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