It makes me deeply sad to hear about couples breaking up a year or
two after having a child. I stop to wonder what could have possibly gone wrong
to break up a beautiful new family, filled with hope and promise. Perhaps
I am a hopeless romantic when it comes to love and family. To find
someone to love and to create another human being together should be a strong
and transcendental bond right?
So why is it that shortly after the baby’s first birthday, so
often we find out that the new parents are having marital problems. I
understand that it is not easy having a child, but to deem the relationship
(and the family) over after a few tough months? It seems all too
rash. Did they have marital trouble before she became pregnant and were
hoping that a baby could bring them closer together? Or were the added
responsibilities of having a child just too much for them? My eyes start
to moisten when I try to imagine what the baby went through during his first
few months in this world as his parents’ relationship quickly unraveled.
The arguments, the raised voices, the tension- all arising from his or her sole
trusted guardians – must be horribly traumatic. I also feel sorry for the
parents as well. The mother has gone through so many physical and
emotional changes from being pregnant, to delivery, to breastfeeding and taking
care of an infant. And the father’s life has changed drastically as
well. But still, what about the undeniably positive aspects of bringing a
new life into this world? Why is it a joy for some and such turmoil for
others to be with one’s family day after day?
What I find especially intriguing are celebrity couples who split
up shortly after entering parenthood. Perhaps this is because we are privy to
all of the positive and lurid details courtesy of the media.
Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr, J-Lo and Marc Anthony, Christina
Aguilera and her ex, Hillary Duff and her ex, just to name a few. I have
not met these people personally, nor do I know what they went through as a
couple. In fact, I do not know if they ever even loved each other.
What I do know is that they have thousands of dollars to spend on home chefs,
maids, assistants and child care professionals each month to make their lives
infinitely easier and they still couldn’t make it work! So what hope is
there for the rest of us? The emerging message is that money does not
make things easier or better. So what do families need? You
probably answered with the word ‘love’ and you would be correct. Second
question: What do you need to do to show, nurture and grow love? It
is not through expensive trips, jewelry or the latest toys for the baby.
Like love, it is something that money cannot buy. It’s your time. Family
requires your presence, not your presents.
I don’t understand the
term burden, sacrifice or duty when one is referring to
family. These are such strong negative words to describe what should be
acts of love. ‘I sacrificed my job/promotion to spend time with my
child.’ ‘It is part of my duty to be a good husband/wife.’ Whatever
you do for your family should be done with love and a sense of privilege.
To have a family is a blessing. Think of all of the single people out
there wishing for love or couples out there who cannot have children, or worse,
have lost their children? One shouldn’t have to be reminded that family,
not career, should be the number one priority. If you felt gratitude and
appreciation for your family, you would instinctively display your love for
them every single day and weather the difficult times together.
I came across a touching story about a young couple named Stryker
and Sapphire. They had met at work, fallen in love and gotten
married. They wanted to have children, but had trouble conceiving.
She saw doctors in Los Angeles, took many tests, experimented with different
technologies, tried hormone creams and even saw a fertility specialist
abroad. By then, they had all but given up. After five years,
completely out of the blue, she became pregnant naturally and they were
overjoyed. The pregnancy however, was not without some risk. The
doctor had ordered her on bed rest for a couple of months and the baby arrived
six weeks earlier than expected. Fortunately, their daughter Milan was
born healthy and is now a beautiful two-and-a-half year old. Sapphire and
Stryker are both singer/musicians in a group called Millennium and they both
feel fortunate that they can work from home and spend all of their time
together as a family. According to Sapphire, ‘I feel so blessed that we
were able to have a child. Milan is a beautiful light in my life and my
husband is my rock. I know that together, we can overcome any
obstacles.’
‘Any split with children involved is a disaster, whether you’re in
the public eye or not,’ says Stryker, the youngest in a family of three that
was torn apart by divorce at a very young age. ‘My experience taught me
one thing: Parents must give as much priority to each other as they do to
their children - perhaps, even more. Because it is only through their
example that a child can truly learn how to cherish, love and stand up for
another human being.’
Although some of
us may not be able to integrate our personal and work lives as closely as this
family, there are ways to deconstruct and rethink your life so that you can
spend more quality time with your family. I went to a dinner party a few
weeks ago and met a woman name Julianne with an adorable, bright-eyed three
month old baby boy. Through the course of the night, she informed me that
her husband worked hard and traveled so frequently for business that the baby
would always cry when he was home and would try to hold him. Most people know that fifty percent of marriages in the
United States end in divorce. What cannot be accurately measured is the
percentage of couples who are separated or remain miserable in their current
relationships. Although this paints a grim picture, I believe this trend could
be reversed with a conscious change in priorities, putting our families at the
top of the list. Some of the choices that could easily improve the quality of
our family life are listed below. Ask yourself honestly:
- Do I
work over-time? If yes, you’re probably not giving your family the
priority they deserve. Ask your employer about capping your hours at a
normal eight hour workday. Also inquire if flex time is an option.
- Do I frequently travel alone for work? If yes, you may be
inviting in a host of marital and family issues by being away for extended
periods of time. Bring your family along on the next trip or speak with
your boss about sending one of your colleagues on instead.
- Do I spend more than thirty minutes one-way getting to and from
work? A long commute coupled with long work hours will sap energy that
should be reserved for family. Consider moving closer to work or finding
a job that is closer to home. Although moving or switching jobs is a big
decision, it may be well worth it in the long run if it saves your family.
- Is work too demanding or am I unhappy at work?
Consider starting your own business doing something you love. You can
then make your own hours and spend more time with family, have them visit you
at the office or even have the luxury of working from home.
- Do I check in with my spouse often during the day?
Communicate with your spouse often to see how they are feeling. Frequent
communication will not only brighten their day but keep your bond strong.
- Do I plan and look forward to taking my spouse out for private,
romantic engagements once or twice a week? Couples time during the week
is needed to remind you both of your love and the commitment to one another
that goes beyond parenting.
- When I am home, do I often check messages or emails? If
so, learn to put away the phone for the evening and devote one hundred percent
of your attention to your spouse and child. Have dinner together and talk
to one another. After dinner, avoid the television and do something
engaging or relaxing as a family.
-When I am home, do I allow my child to spend hours in front of
the television, on the phone or i-pad? Next time, instead of placing a
technological device in front of them, try playing with them, reading them
stories and talking to them to develop a greater bond with your child.
Most importantly, remember that your life and the outcome of your
family relationships are under your control and are governed by the choices you
make along the way. Choose wisely.
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